Danika Radtke

My dear Danika,
On Friday February 16th I went into labour with you. I was so excited to finally meet you. After timing contractions for a few hours, I called your papa to come home from work and I called your nanny because she was coming for your birth. I had seen the doctor the night before, and told her that I was having a few contractions that woke me up often at night. She checked you out on the ultrasound and there you were, just waiting to come out. We could see your heart beating. The doctor gave me an internal exam and said that it might not happen very soon. I came home and laid down for awhile and when I woke up, I had a bloody show! According to every book it meant that you WERE coming soon! I couldn't stop feeling excited.

When Nanny and Papa showed up at home, we got ready to go to the hospital. Your papa and I had a bet going on when you'd be born. He said the 17th. It was already almost 4pm, so depending on how far along we were, he might be right! We got to the hospital and a nurse (We'll get to know that her name is Barbara) told me to go pee in a cup and then she tried the heart doppler on my tummy. She couldn't find your heart. I wasn't worried. You had a habit of shifting around so the doctor couldn't see what he wanted all the time. After about 3 minutes of searching my heart started to race. Then Dr. S. came in to see what she could do. She really poked and prodded. Then we heard a faint beat. Out came the ultrasound machine and they put that on you and poked and prodded some more. You wouldn't move. Dr. S. looked me in the eyes and said "I am so sorry, but I think your baby might be dead. I can't see her heart beating." I looked at your nanny and she looked back at me in complete shock. I looked at your papa and he just closed his eyes and sagged in the chair. Then he came up and held my face and kissed my head.

Everything is a blur after that. I remember feeling like I was howling. I don't know if I was. I was shivering all over and they brought me to delivery room 7. There they felt to see how far I was. I was 2 cm. So then they decided to try a scalp monitor on you. They broke my water and inserted first one monitor, then another monitor. Both gave no reading. Then they moved the bed up a bit and there was a glitch and a heart rate came up and then disappeared. Dr. S. yelled "Enough of this! We're going to do a c-section!"
Out of nowhere, there was a nurse shaving me and Nanny ran from the room to sign papers or something. It was too much for Papa, who was told that not only might his baby be dead, but now they were going to rip open his wife. He almost passed out and the nurses made him lay on the floor.
They wheeled me to the O.R. I was so scared that I actually pooped on the stretcher. In the O.R. I had 5 people yelling at me at once to do different things.
"Are you allergic to anything?" "Have you had surgery before?" "Clench your hand like this!" "What do you mean you're not frozen? You didn't have an epidural??!"
Somebody kept pushing a mask on my face which made my nose flatten and I couldn't breathe. I finally pushed it away and said I couldn't breathe. Then they injected the anesthetic which burned in my veins. Everything went black.

Somebody called my name. I didn't even open my eyes. I just said "Is she alive? Is my baby alive?"
"Oh, Honey. I'm so sorry. No, your baby is not alive." You were born asleep February 16th, 2007 at 5:43pm. You were 8 lbs 4 ozs.
Nanny and Papa were there and they brought you to me. You were so beautiful. You have your papa's chin and ears and you have my mouth and nose. Your eyes were closed, 2 little lines over these cheeks that are so big and perfect that you want to suck on them. Your eyebrows are very light, but you have red-auburn hair with little curls at the ends. Your limbs are fat and rolled like a baby should be. You have really long nails that are thick and healthy, not like most babies. Papa and I both held you and kissed you I don't know how many times. Nanny held you and kissed you too. Later on, in the hospital room, Grandpa, Opa and Oma, Auntie Kris and Uncle Sean all saw you and loved you. Barbara Christened you Danika Radtke.

My sweet daughter. Words can't express how much I love you. I loved you from the moment I thought papa and I were pregnant. I loved playing with you while you were inside my tummy. I would poke you and you'd pound me back! You'd always get the hiccups and I would laugh. You even tickled me all the time by running your feet against my ribs.

That night, after everybody had left papa and I tried to sleep. I was on Morphine and it was making me dopey. Every time I tried to sleep, I'd see your still face or I thought I could still feel you kicking me. I'd wake up and cry. Then something happened that has not happened in a very long time. A man was at the end of the bed, and he was rubbing my legs and feet. He was telling me that you were okay and that you were with them and being taken care of. This man was my Grandpa. I stopped feeling those phantom kicks, but I still couldn't sleep.

Danika my love. I know that you are with so many people that love you and they love your mummy and papa to no end. They will always be there with you to take care of you as you grow. I know you will grow, but don't worry, Papa and I will still know you when we meet again. Don't worry about us for now. We have so many friends and family members here to take care of us and help us to heal.

I know that you will want to watch over me and papa, and you are welcome to do so. You had to leave us for a reason. Right now it's hard for us to understand that, but we will. Your name means 'Morning Star" and when I want to talk to you, I will look at the stars and know that you are listening.
I love you so much.

Your mummy forever.


From your Nanny:
ODE TO AN ANGEL
(Danika)

I truly met an angel
What a beauty
With sunset hued wisps of hair and eyelashes
Just kissed with a hint of copper

Lashes laid against cheeks made for Kisses
With roses blooming there
A mouth that was fashioned
In the shape of a cupids bow

I can just imagine
A cherub just like her
With a smile that would
dimple a cheek or two

A fat little fist
That would try to catch a butterfly
That passes on the wind

But shhh....
Dont' wake this sleeping beauty.
In dreams she will remain
Forever in my heart